Religious humor

[Qryztufre]

I got emailed a joke & wanted to share. I could not find an applicable thread so I'm starting one.

You must keep in mind that this is a diverse community and that over the top jokes are not funny ~ if you cross the line your post/joke will be deleted.

On the flip side, this thread is for humor, your religion will be made fun of! Lighten up! Speaking of light, light bulb jokes welcome!

Now ya want to hear the joke? *sigh* it's not that good...

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[vulnera]

lol, in my defense, i was born a godless commie.

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b115/Hoover666/Jesus.png

[Stritheil]

If anyone is offended by these jokes, just remember that the person who told them to me was a Baptist.

Why do Baptists disapprove of having sex in a standing position? Because it looks too much like dancing.

What's the difference between a Baptist and a Presbyterian? A Presbyterian will say hello to you when you see him in a liquor store.

Edit: okay, after vulerna's post, I don't think I need to worry about mine. LMAO.

[vulnera]

hahah... that was just a little icebreaker, lol

we cant be having a stuffy religious jokes thread. were enlightened occultistes!!! /m/:D \m\

[Alexander]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[Lost in Translation]

hehehehe *cackles evilly*

A pagan is on her way home from a large ceremony and in front of her on the plane are two Mormon missionaries returning from their missions. For hours, they are discussing the virtues of God and how all pagans, witches, Wiccans and anyone else is going to hell for their sins.

The first missionary finally asks the other "So where are you going to settle down now that you are done with your mission?" The second missionary replies "I'll probably go down to Texas. There are not many pagans there. Where will you be going?" The first missionary replies "I'll probably go back to Utah. I KNOW there aren't many of THEM out there."

After having had enough, the pagan leans forward and says "Why don't you both go to hell? There's NO pagans there."

[Rin]

"Muslim law condemns any artistic rendering of the prophet Mohammed, kind of like the Christian commandment against taking the lord's name in vain, or the unspoken Buddhist rule: 'Try not to make him into a bong'." --Jon Stewart

[liberdave]

Try not to make him into a bong The key word here is try.

This one sent to me by a Texas Catholic:
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you're a catfish.

[lazserus]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

Outraged, the father screamed, "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

The daughter sighed and nodded. "OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club." The daughter took in a breath and continued, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

The father stopped her immediately, asking, "What was it you said you had become?"

The daughter lowered her head in shame, sniffling, and responded quietly, "A prostitute, daddy."

"Oh, Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, lass! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

[Qryztufre]

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.



What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.



What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?
Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.



How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.

How many Druid's does it take to change a light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

[Stritheil]

............

[B]How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

You should send that one to Isaac Bonewits.

[Qryztufre]

You should send that one to Isaac Bonewits.


here are some wiccish ones for our new witch mod ;)

How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can't say. It's oathbound

Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?

A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."


How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Same number as Gardnerians.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a gardnerian?

None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!

If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich ?

[Qryztufre]

TOP TEN CHEEZY PICK-UP LINES FOR PAGANS TO USE AT BELTANE GATHERINGS


10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?


9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?


8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?


7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?


6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.


5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?


4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?


3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.


2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long.

And the Number One Cheezey Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Beltane Gatherings is:


1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

[Alexander]

The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual
of the Sequined Pentagram


NOTE: This ritual was dictated to me whilst skrying into the black, shiny part of an Elvis record.




The purpose of this ritual is clear the area of all Elvis-negative influences.

This includes all that is not patroitic and all that is not of White Trash at heart.

Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we shall call this East.

1: Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight descending upon you.

2: Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning:

LOVE ME

3: Point downward, hand over... personal privates... , intoning:

TENDER

4: Point to right shoulder.

LOVE ME

5: Point to left shoulder.

TRUE

This is the Holy Cross of Elvis. Conclude by saying: "Uh-huh".

6: Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram in the air. Be sure to visualize the light relfecting off of the shimmering sequines. Intone:

Ehhhh

7: Repeat step six to the south. Intone:

Lllll

8: To the west, intone:

Vihhhhh

9: To the north, intone:

ssssss

Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circle connecting each pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight. Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy Vegas Light. Face Graceland.

10: Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis Potential. This is the Elvis of Air.

Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfill your potential. Be present with me today.

11: Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom. This is the Elvis of Water.

Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men. Fulfill that Potential. Be with me today.

12: To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively. This is the Elvis of Fire.

Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.

13: To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth.

Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me today.

Repeat the Holy Cross of Elvis. Thus ends the Ritual.

This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand Dagger, an Elvis "45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalice).

May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you.

Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.

- Rev. Saint Pope Oblyv

[Stritheil]

That was hilarious, Alex. But the scary thing is that it might actually work as a magical ritual, expecially if you performed it at Graceland. I suspect that Elvis of Memphis is in the process of becoming a deity for a lot of Americans.

And Q, the Wiccan jokes were quite funny, but everyone knows that Gardnerian secrets get published eventually. So here's the real answer to how many Gardnerians it takes to change a lightbulb, as recently published in the Sacred Texts Library. The correct answer is 13, one to change the lightbulb and 12 to complain that they liked the old lightbulb better.

[liberdave]

The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual
of the Sequined Pentagram

LOL, needs more pelvic thrusts and harelip.

[Stritheil]

How many Traditional witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

We've never used lightbulbs - the light from the fireplace was all we ever needed.

[Alexander]

[QUOTE=Stritheil;13973]How many Traditional witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

We've never used lightbulbs - the light from the fireplace was all we ever needed
____________________________________________________________
And the wall mounted torches helped too :)

[liberdave]

How many CMs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

-----------------------------------------------------

How many Chaos Mages does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're not scared of the dark.

-----------------------------------------------------

How many Chaos Mages does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to chant the Yale Alma Matter in Sanskrit, one to position the purple giraffe statue, and one to fill the bath tub with unraveled fishing poles.

[Qryztufre]

How many Chaos Mages does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to chant the Yale Alma Matter in Sanskrit, one to position the purple giraffe statue, and one to fill the bath tub with unraveled fishing poles.

It's a good thing they are not scared of the dark :rolleyes: :p

[Stritheil]

Since the Liber Call Me Al is generally only amusing to Thelemics with a sense of humour (yah, I've met lots of those) and people who've read the Book of the Law but aren't Crowley fans, I won't post it, since it's quite lengthy. I'll only post an url for one of the sites where it can be found.

www.holysmoke.org/wb/wb0151.htm

To avoid any accusations of spamming, I should point out that I have no connection with that website, other than the fact that I visit it whenever I need a good laugh. In fact, the only website that amuses me more is the Darwin Awards website. I haven't been there lately, so maybe I should look for it too.

[Alexander]

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?

Self-Cleaning Coven



The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."

TRAD JOKE: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!


: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.


- A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

and just to be fair, here is a Christian joke. A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him in a cave. Three days later he rose again on easter sunday. When he came out of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more months of winter!

These are really bad huh ?

[Qryztufre]

http://www.tentoseven.com/likeitis/goth2.jpg

[Stritheil]

Thanks for the laugh, Q. That picture does so much to remind me why I'm no longer involved with the public "Pagan community", except on forums where I can use the Ignore feature.

[Lost in Translation]

Two nuns walk into a liquore store and ask the cashier for the biggest bottle of wine he has.

He says, "But I can't sell this to you. You are nuns!"

The nuns reply, "But it's for Mother Superior's hemmroids."

"Well if that's the case, who I am to circumvent the healing of the church," the clerk replies.

Hours later, as the clerk is walking home through the park, he sees the two nuns, higher than kites and drunker than skunks.

"You told me that that was for Mother Superior's hemmroids," he exclaims.

The nuns, smiling, reply, "Don't you think that Mother Superior thinks us major pains in her ass?"

[vulnera]

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.

"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm
heading before I start annoying anybody."

[Stritheil]

Question: What's the difference between Pope Benny and a bull terrier?

Answer: One's a vicious, unpredictable creature with powerful jaws and an evil disposition. The other is a dog.

[Naraku]

This is not for any one that is easily offended:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJuTdcOZFgc&mode=related&search=

[liberdave]

Q: What is the exact number of Baptists it is best to take on a drinking/fishing trip?

A: Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all of your beer. If you take another they will both swear they don't drink.

[quex]

After vulnera's cartoon I feel I bit redundant,but:
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
Because he forgot his safeword!

[Qryztufre]

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

[Stritheil]

Here's a true story, although it happened a few years ago. A friend of mine, who I've since lost touch with, was living with a Francophone fellow from Quebec. When his father died, she went with her man to the funeral, even though she didn't get along with his family, and had argued with their parish priest, who didn't like the fact that she was Pagan.

Apparently, it's a catholic tradition, at least in Quebec, that at a funeral the priest goes up to the members of the immediate family and offers them communion first. Since the priest knew that this woman was Pagan, he shouldn't have offered her a consecrated host. But she was the first one he walked up to, thinking that she wouldn't dare refuse in the circumstances. She just smiled sweetly and said quite loudly "No thanks. I've just had lunch." Apparently, everyone there was either totally shocked or extremely amused by her response.

[vulnera]

hah!! i wonder if that was a "special pagan wafer"... did he give that one to anyone else in the family, or put it away on the sly?? lol

one i found randomly looking around on the web..


A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"

[Qryztufre]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/Qryztufre/random/humor/beliefs.jpg

[Mr. Gordo]

From E-sangha:

Types of Buddhist Viruses

THERAVADA TERROR (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as
BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU. While
relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the effect of
making your computer refuse to intake or process any hard data after noon.
(Female scholars need not be concerned about this virus, since female CPUs are
not entitled to receive full ordination.)

MADHYAMAKA MONSTER: systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by a bit
having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1 nor 0. The
screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator taps a key, an information
box pops up saying, "There are no statements in this information box."

VIJNANAVADA VEXATION: is the only known computer virus that has no effect
whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and
peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there is no real
distinction between a computer program and the data it processes. One extreme
version of this viral scourge (also known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of
making your software believe that it is the only software in the universe.

VAJRAYANA VIRUS: attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a
radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart. The computer
itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is transformed into mush with
the inane message "The passions themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation
itself is data." The operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to
upload billions of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible
mandalas onto Web sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient
machines.

INDRAJALA INFECTION: which causes all sentient beings to be networked, all
information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is removed from
the network neither it nor its previous context can be said to exist. (Also
known as the 'ten coins terror'). Rumour has it this was the by-product of a
marketing slogan coined by a lama doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, "the
network is the operator". Once this virus has infected any machine, everything
is instantly affected, and it is no longer possible to conceive of the universe
in the absence of the virus.

PHURBA VIRUS: annihilates anyone who sends viruses along with their computer and
their server. also purifies the network.

CHENREZI VIRUS: downloads programme into your computer which causes computer to
do nothing else but pray for all beings to the exclusion of any other operation.

KALACHAKRA VIRUS: downloads extremely complex ritual into the computer which
operator must perform before computer will perform any other operation.

HAYAGRIVA VIRUS: enters computer through a back door and takes entire control of
your computer by force

TROMA VIRUS: chops your files and operating programme into small pieces
transforms them into wisdom nectar then feeds the nectar to non-buddhist
computers which it visualizes as demons

MAHAKALA VIRUS: protects your computer from all other viruses but requires you
to offer meat and liquor daily through a special opening with which it replaces
your floppy drive

EKADZATI VIRUS: allows only one file on your computer

PADMASAMBHAVA VIRUS: subjugates your computer and takes it with it on the path

TARA VIRUS: only allows female operators access. causes computer to give long
lecture to male operators concerning views on male-only enlightenment

MANJUSHRI VIRUS: downloads a programme which causes your computer to begin an
endless debate over any information you enter

DZOGCHEN VIRUS: deletes all programmes including operating programme leaving
only the blue screen of the unborn dharmata.

[quex]

http://www.begot.de/NG/Tamfou/Tamfou.htm
in Ceremonial Magic.
Oh, well, way to cast a circle, I guess.

[Qryztufre]

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles, commonly referred to as "terminal blue balls." He said the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions." The cardinals were amazed. "What are the four conditions?" asked one of the cardinals. The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so if she somehow figures it out, she can tell no one." After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits!"

[quex]

Well, a couple of doves was chatting in a tree in Solomon's palace garden. The husband was telling his wife: You see that magnificent palace? I could destroy it all in less than a second! Salomon, who was strolling around, overheard that and went to talk to the bird. Hey, wait a minute, he said, you can't do that, don't make up stuff! At which the bird replied, And just what business is it of yours to tell me what I can or cannot make up to impress my wife? Salomon agreed and went on with his walk, leaving the birds alone. The wife, though, asked her husband about what Salomon had said. And the bird answered: Oh, him? He heard me talking and came to beg to please not destroy his palace. I felt sorry and said I wouldn't...

[Nado]

TRAD JOKE: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?


Depends on what you want to change it into.


Why did Jesus die on the cross?
Because he forgot his safeword!

omfg lol damn that one is going straight to the top of my pagan joke list.

[Stritheil]

....................
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
Because he forgot his safeword!

And his dying words were "It's a nice view, but what a hell of a place to spend Easter."

[Nado]

And his dying words were "It's a nice view, but what a hell of a place to spend Easter."

Jesus is on the cross and suddenly yells out "Paul, Paul come to me"
Paul comes running "Yes my lord"
Jesus says "I can see your house from here"

[Qryztufre]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Caliban]

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!

[quex]

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!

Well, damning him to hell will keep things hot for eternity!

[malah777]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[Stritheil]

A Wiccan priestess joined a multi-faith group that was intended to promote dialogue among different religious groups. She found that the Reformed minister really annoyed her because he was always talking about how the bible had all the answers that people needed in life, because every aspect of human experience was addressed somewhere in it. So one day she said to him "Okay, if the bible talks about all aspects of human experience, tell me where it mentions anything about PMS." The minister thought about it for a few minutes, then showed her a bible passage that said "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethleham."

[Nado]

OK this one is one of my favs

A pagan goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he meets St Peter.
Saint Peter checks his list and says to the pagan.
"I'm sorry you aren't on the list, I'm sorry but you are going down"
St Peter pulls a lever and the Pagan falls through a hole in the floor.

After what seems like an eternity of falling the pagan slows down and lands softly on his feet in a beautiful garden. Standing beside him was satan.
"Welcome to the summer lands" says satan "Come in make yourself at home. Theres plenty of room just choose a house and move in. There is barbecues by the lake all day everyday. Theres a bar over there that nevers runs out of alcohol. If there is anything i can do for you just let me know"

All of a sudden a hole forms in the ground and the smell of brimstone and the sounds of screaming erupts from the hole. In the air above the hole another hole opens and a soul comes screaming out of it and into the hole on the ground.

"What the HELL was that" yelled the pagan.
"Ohh that was a Christian, they insist on having it that way"

[Nado]

A choate is walking by a lake one day and he sees a group of people in the water.

One of them runs over grabs him and asks him.
"Would you like to be baptised"

The chaote not having anything better to do agreed.

He walks out into the water and the priest grabs him and pushes his head under the water.
"Have you seen the lord jesus" yells the priest when he brings him up.
"NO"

the priest dunks him again

"have you seen the lord jesus"
"Hell no"

The priest dunks him under again and holds him under for a good long time
"Have you seen the lord jesus"
"NO, are you sure this is where he fell in"

[Caliban]

A Catholic priest, a Wiccan and a T.O.P.Y. kid are in the men's room, lined up at the urinals, doing their thing.

The priest finishes first, goes to the sink, turns on the tap and pushes up his sleeves, and scrubs his hands with plenty of soap, cleaning all the way up to his elbows, and says, "Cleanliness is next to godliness."

The Wiccan finishes about then and moves to the sink, using just enough water to wet his hands, turning the tap off, then lathering, then using just enough water to rinse, and says, "In the Craft, we know the Earth is our mother, and use resources carefully."

The T.O.P.Y. kid is finishing, tucks his biz back in his pants and zips up, and walks past the sinks to leave the restroom, and says, "In thee Temple, we know urine is sterile," and walks out.

[Qryztufre]

A Catholic priest, a Wiccan and a Satanist are in the men's room, lined up at the urinals, doing their thing.

The priest finishes first, goes to the sink, turns on the tap and pushes up his sleeves, and scrubs his hands with plenty of soap, cleaning all the way up to his elbows, and says, "Cleanliness is next to godliness."

The Wiccan finishes about then and moves to the sink, using just enough water to wet his hands, turning the tap off, then lathering, then using just enough water to rinse, and says, "In the Craft, we know the Earth is our mother, and use resources carefully."

The Satanist is finishing, tucks his biz back in his pants and zips up, and walks past the sinks to leave the restroom, and says, "What? I learned not to piss all over my hands." and walks out.

[Sandalphon]

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n19/windacre/Thumper-1-1.gif
LOOOOL

[Qryztufre]

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

[vulnera]

BWAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!

oh man that was funny... here's one from ye olde commie days:

A preacher was dying, and he sent for two communists. They were very flattered and agreed to come. When they got there, he asked them to stand on either side of the bed and hold his hands. The pastor lay on the bed with a look of pure joy on his face. They were even more flattered, but finally, their curiosity got the better of them. They asked why he wanted them, two communists there while he was dying. He smiled and said:
- I just wanted to die like Jesus. He died between two thieves.

[Sandalphon]

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n19/windacre/throfldata.gif

[Qryztufre]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Stritheil]

I once met a dyslexic satanist who had sold his soul to Santa.

[Caliban]

Q: Why don't Asatru celebrate "Cakes & Wine"?

A: Because you can't fit a hunting knife in a beer bottlle! *rimshot*

[vulnera]

I once met a dyslexic satanist who had sold his soul to Santa.

oh yeah???

well i once met a dyslexic christian who gave his life over to a dog

:p

[Stritheil]

oh yeah???

well i once met a dyslexic christian who gave his life over to a dog

:p

ROFL. However, I have to wonder how he knew it was the one true dog. It must have been a some sort of breed from the Middle East.

[Qryztufre]

I may have the spellings wrong, but erm...

While playing D&D one night, my friend Caleb used his name backwards which was Balac (for you FR fans, Cyric is Chris!).

We got a Hebrew dictionary, to help with my Ceremonial Magick, not D&D, but we played with it anyway. As Caleb saw it he laughted and said "My name is dog!" so we looked up his character Balec..

English to hebrew to english, God / Dog / Empty

Strange connection is it not?

[Stritheil]

English to hebrew to english, God / Dog / Empty

Strange connection is it not?

The idea that god is a dog that isn't there sounds quite Zen. So it is a strange result when you were working with English and Hebrew.

[Sandalphon]

I have never met a dog that is running on empty. Ever. ever.. There is always a further tear to be shed and a drop more to be annointed on some sacred spot.

And what's more, all dogs without exception know that they are God.

Science and religion must now set about prooving otherwise. :D and bully for them if they can't. :p

[Stritheil]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Wiccan answer: It's a third degree secret.

Druid answer: I was chasing the chicken with my bronze sickle.

Buddhist answer: The chicken failed to liberate itself from the illusion that there's a "road" that must be "crossed".

Jewish answer: Is it a kosher chicken? If not, I don't really care.

Ceremonialist answer: If you can learn to see the pattern of the Kaballah in the interweaving of the chicken and the road, you can find the eternal egg that leads to spiritual rebirth. Of course, if you want to have any chance of succeeding at your quest, you'll need an Enochian dictionary written on virgin parchment with ink made from the blood of a black sheep, consecrated during a Full Moon on a Friday when Mercury is retrograde.

Thelemic answer: If you'd bothered to read the Book of the Law, you'd already know the answer - the chicken was just exercising its true will.

Chaote answer: My cousin is a purple giraffe.

[Eleison]

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Rabbi are sitting in a boat. The priest mentions that he has to take a piss, and steps over the edge of the boat and walks across the surface of the water to shore. The minister just nods, but the Rabbi's jaw drops to the floor. "His faith must be really strong!", he thinks.

When the priest returns, again across the water, the minister says that he too has to do his business, and he too steps over the side of the boat and walks across the water to shore. The Rabbi is unfathomably impressed by now, and is even starting to question his own faith in the face of these two amazing Christians. "Maybe there is something to this whole Jesus business," he thinks. "After all, He walked on water too! If He can inspire faith like this in His followers..."

when the minister returns, the Rabbi stands up and announces that he too feels the call of nature. He confidently steps over the edge of the boat, places his foot upon the water, and promptly falls through the surface and sinks, splashing and flailing for his life. The priest and the minister look at each other thoughtfully, and the minister says, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"

[Qryztufre]

when the minister returns, the Rabbi stands up and announces that he too feels the call of nature. He confidently steps over the edge of the boat, places his foot upon the water, and promptly falls through the surface and sinks, splashing and flailing for his life. The priest and the minister look at each other thoughtfully, and the minister says, "Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?"

To which the Catholic Priest replies "There were stepping stones?"

[Case]

"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't know why." -Jay Leno

And another...

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh wow, no way!
What happened next?'

[Stritheil]

I wonder if Zen missonaries knock on doors that aren't there?