[Experiment] Successful Personality Graft

[Rin]

Several months ago I decided that I wanted to be able to express certain wants and needs, as well as behaviors and attitudes that I was unable to. My dominant personality was too controlling to let those elements in. I wanted to be able to enjoy sex, to want to be with someone, to be alright with drinking (moderately), to be able to be foul-mouthed whenever I wanted. Yet I was always too "proper" to allow it.

So when a friend of mine began to run a role-playing game, I designed a character who was an exaggerated version of all those qualities. The character was designed to look somewhat like me - he was similar enough that I could roleplay him effectively. When not playing, I thought about him, his past, his personality - what he likes and dislikes, et cetera.

Last week, this experiment paid off. I drank absinthe without feeling any bit of shame or anxiety. Last night it paid off again, I was with someone and enjoyed it. I also managed some dirty talk.

I knew before this experiment began that I couldn't simply decide I wanted to be someone else, create a sigil, charge and fire it. This level of personality augmentation required something gradual and more subtle. Something that took advantage of what was already present and gradually connected it to my dominant personality while, at the same time, taking those receptive elements of my personality and causing them to connect to the qualities I wished to cultivate.

Naturally I didn't do this for the sake of doing this. I have a reason for wanting to be able to be foul-mouthed and more sexual. I've been struggling with fear, anxiety and depression for quite some time. These emotions have always centered around themes of feeling week and inferior to others, as well as being afraid of intimacy. This began to bleed into other areas of my life, creating a mess.

Part of this experiment also involved yin-practice yoga sessions that targeted the kidney qi. Kidney qi deficiency being related to feelings of fear and inadequacy. It really was a whole regimen that I undertook.

And it all paid off. I just thought I'd share a success story. :)

Edit: Just remembered that part of this regimen also involved playing as this character as though he were a real person in an online chat room. I was very careful about this, not wanting to mislead anyone in a way that would be of any significance.

[malah777]

What more can i say ? :)
I'm really happy for you & i'm glad that u'r experiment was a successful one , you open up to the world ,u let free your deepest emotions ...,& the world of fellings open up 2u!
This experiment was ur spiritual gift ;)

[Fluvve]

I have a reason for wanting to be able to be foul-mouthed and more sexual. I've been struggling with fear, anxiety and depression for quite some time. These emotions have always centered around themes of feeling week and inferior to others, as well as being afraid of intimacy. This began to bleed into other areas of my life, creating a mess.


Wow welldone Rin :) Sounds like something I should try. I have an anxiety disorder, fear and depression too. I am also chronically ill, and whenever I go out I feel underthreat as I am too weak physically to be able to defend myself. This causes a vicious circle of not going out as much as I can (which isnt much at the best of times).

Out of curiosity, what was the role playing game your friend started? Just a personal thing like a pen and paper jobby? Or is it an online one etc? :)

[Sandalphon]

http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n89/lstoner_2006/welldone.gif I have often wondered if being foul-mouthed is synonymous with sexuality or is that just "talking dirty" and just a smutty form of pillow talk ... :)

[Rin]

Wow welldone Rin :) Sounds like something I should try. I have an anxiety disorder, fear and depression too. I am also chronically ill, and whenever I go out I feel underthreat as I am too weak physically to be able to defend myself. This causes a vicious circle of not going out as much as I can (which isnt much at the best of times).
I can really empathize with you, Fluvve. At one point, after consulting with mental health professionals, the provincial government here declared that I was unemployable due to my mental illness.

Luckily I had the support of people here at Occult Corpus, as well as friends and family. When I made the decision that I wanted to get better, that I wanted to help myself - their support really meant a lot.

This may work for you, and I certainly encourage you to try if you're willing. I can't guarantee it'll work for everyone. I have a very active imagination, so it was a natural fit for me.
Out of curiosity, what was the role playing game your friend started? Just a personal thing like a pen and paper jobby? Or is it an online one etc? :)
It was a pen and paper RPG, we were playing World of Darkness (published by White-Wolf).

I have often wondered if being foul-mouthed is synonymous with sexuality or is that just "talking dirty" and just a smutty form of pillow talk ... :)
I can't really speak for anyone else, but I knew that if I wanted to break out of this, I had to engage in some form of exaggerated behavior. Foul-mouthed is meant in two ways: I became more comfortable with swearing in my everyday speech (when and where appropriate, though), and secondly in the smutty form of pillow talk that you mention.

It was like wielding the jeweled sword of the Vajra King and cutting away the boundaries that kept me from being the confident, healthy person I wanted to be.

I still have a long ways to go, but at least I'm on the move.

[Mr. Gordo]

Quick question Rin, did this persona carry out into your everyday life as well?

Has the anxiety completely ceased, or has it come back?

The character sounds a bit like Charles Bukowski (who I enjoyed reading)

It was like wielding the jeweled sword of the Vajra King and cutting away the boundaries that kept me from being the confident, healthy person I wanted to be.

I like this quote.

[Rin]

Quick question Rin, did this persona carry out into your everyday life as well?
It sure did, which is great because that was my goal.

Has the anxiety completely ceased, or has it come back?
I still have some trouble with it, but it's not nearly as pronounced as it once was. One night my friend's car died in the middle of the night on a weekend in the worst part of town (in a city with country's highest crime rate) - not once did my anxiety or paranoia flare up.

The character sounds a bit like Charles Bukowski (who I enjoyed reading)
I'm unfamiliar with him, but reading the wikipedia entry on the guy I have to agree with you.

I like this quote.
:)

[Fluvve]

This may work for you, and I certainly encourage you to try if you're willing. I can't guarantee it'll work for everyone. I have a very active imagination, so it was a natural fit for me.



I have an active imagination too :) I think I will give it a go, after a little thought of course. Sounds very promising. Thanks again for sharing.

[Mr. Gordo]

A great experiment to read about. Thanks Rin.

[Caliban]

Fascinating account, Rin - and while I had never thought about this particular application, I have noticed that deliberately building roleplaying game characters to explore certain traits or ideas can have interesting ramifications in one's life.

I have to say that this particular act of personality-engineering seems to have been well-thought-out, well-executed and successful - in stark contrast wo my own "what happens when I do this?" approach.

As a tangetal aside, I'll mention that playing a satyr in Changeling: the Dreaming is how I loosened up enough to write erotica. :)

Thanks for sharing this. I'll read any follow-up with interest.

[Fluvve]

Edit: Just remembered that part of this regimen also involved playing as this character as though he were a real person in an online chat room. I was very careful about this, not wanting to mislead anyone in a way that would be of any significance.

Rin, I was just wondering how you managed this? I know what you mean, and it sounds like a good way to enact your personlity change, but where/how did you draw the line? If its ok to ask :)

[Rin]

Rin, I was just wondering how you managed this? I know what you mean, and it sounds like a good way to enact your personlity change, but where/how did you draw the line? If its ok to ask :)
Everything was kept at a superficial level, personal questions of a trivial nature were answered (age, location, gender, hobbies, et cetera) whereas questions of a more personal nature were answered vaguely - those questions do have answers for the character, but vague answers were given to prevent someone from wanting to get to know this character better, and for it to become more than just a friendly chat.

Minor details about education, work, social life were freely given.

[Fluvve]

Thanks Rin, that totally answered my question :) Are you planning any further personality grafts? :)

[Case]

I have done similar things on a slightly larger scale, creating a forum populated by several personas of mine. These personas all had distinctive character profiles, each one using a slightly different literary style on the forum itself. I then introduced outside people who wernt aware of what was going on and proceeded to interact with them using the character interfaces.

What amazed me was how much character the other participants built around the characters - certain characters were vilified, whilst others were adopted as close friends by people. Sadly, the entire experiment got totally out of control, so I dont really recommend it on this scale. One amazing feature was how much the characters grew of their own accord when other people believed in them, how much personality was developed interactively within the characters interactions.

Another interesting outcome came out of a pathworking involving the 'history' of the group in question. One of the personas claimed to have created a Golem (he was a master potter), which had them been destroyed and realised astrally as a 'mist-formed astral Golem' - something that had been witnessed by other personas in the original set. This Golem was encountered by one of the 'real people' in an astral garden and performed as it would have done if it were in fact 'real'.

[Sandalphon]

I have done similar things on a slightly larger scale, creating a forum populated by several personas of mine.

"Several" is rather misleading, I think. More like many dozens! :eek: The glitterball effect still holds! :thumbup:

[Rin]

Thanks Rin, that totally answered my question :) Are you planning any further personality grafts? :)
No problem. No plans for further grafts, but now that I know generally how to do it and that it can work - if I need to do one again in the future then at least I now have that option. :)

[Rin]

Update:

For years I've thought a friend of mine was attractive. I finally worked up the courage to tell him that I think he's hot. He is married to a woman, but I knew he would take it as a compliment - which he did. It was not at all awkward.

Before I told him, I debated with myself about it. Or rather, I debated with the personality graft. I was naturally hesitant, but it asked me if I wanted to continue to be a pussy all my life, or if I wanted to take back my power and go for something I've wanted to do for a long time. If I didn't tell him, then I would not just lose the opportunity to compliment someone, but I would lose something of myself. I would take a step backwards in my progress.

I left myself with no other choice, and fate conspired to set up the situation ideally. No one else was around, I could speak with him in his office with the door closed, the phone wasn't ringing.